What the BLEEP?

Where are you people? That is all.

Running with Scissors

and other dumb things. I was perusing the internet during my very busy day as a receptionist and came across this list on cnn.com. 101 Dumbest Moments in Business. And there are some that are worth mentioning.

1)Blaming a mailing-list vendor for providing bad information, JPMorgan Chase apologizes for sending a form letter about its credit card services to an Arab American man in California addressed to "Palestinian Bomber."

2)The proprietors of the Erotic City strip club in Boise, Idaho, attempt to circumvent a local law banning nudity except for performances of "serious artistic merit" by distributing sketch pads and pencils to customers for twice-weekly G-string-free "art" nights. Local police raid the club, issuing misdemeanor citations.

3)"For every 2 inches up there, it's another $50,000."
-- Sales consultant William Fried, speaking to eighth-graders on Career Day at a middle school in Palo Alto. Fried lists "stripper" and "exotic dancer" among potential occupations and reportedly tells students that the profession can garner them annual salaries of $250,000 -- a figure that can easily be augmented along with their bust size.

4)With the help of Latin pop sensation Thalia Sodi, Hershey introduces Cajeta Elegancita, a new candy bar for the Hispanic market. Though the wrapper features a picture of Sodi, apparently she neglects to fill her Yanqui partners in on a subtlety of Spanish: In Mexico, "cajeta" can be used to mean "nougat." Elsewhere in the Spanish-speaking world, however, it's slang for female anatomy.

5)Little Big ManIn September, as the result of a typo in a spreadsheet, Electronic Arts issues an update to Madden NFL 06 that reduces 6-foot-3, 305-pound New York Jets lineman Michael King to a height of 7 inches. The next day, EA fixes the bug -- to a chorus of complaints from customers who enjoyed watching the shin-high blocker get steamrollered by full-size players such as seven-time All-Pro linebacker Derrick Brooks of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

On a lighter note......

Seems as though we have been getting heavy with our posts lately (actually only the last two, but you know I can only do heavy in doses) so to lighten the mood....per the email I sent you earlier. (Now you know that I don't have any research whatsoever to back any of this up...)

***Donkeys kill more people than plane crashes?
This floored me. Surely they are not talking about in this country, this has got to be a worldwide figure. I mean, seriously, do we even HAVE donkeys in this country? Weren't they replaced by John Deere tractors?

****You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
This is not hard to believe. I mean, if you have ever slept in the same bed as me (which you haven't) it is like a boxing match all night long. :-) I have killer dark circles as proof too. I don't sleep well at all. And apparently, I shout out random things like "SEPARATE!" during my few periods of sleep. I hope me shouting out random things in my sleep does not become a habit. I may never sleep again......

**** A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
Mythbusters says differently. Sheesh people, try to keep up.


****Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
I can't even begin to approach this subject this close to lunchtime. I will say Thank the Lord for small miracles and that small miracle being that we have a SoniCare and since it has to be plugged in, it is a safe 8-10 feet away from the toilet. Makes you wonder about bathrooms that don't have six feet to spare. Should you just hang your toothbrush outside the door?


****Turtles can breathe through their butts.
They also talk out of their ass too. Have you ever met a Maryland Terrapin fan?

Me against the world

So my wife is away to Orlando for a business trip and Im thinking “great, I have some time to spend with some of my friends” but then I come to realize that my friends aren’t as accessible as they once used to be.
The thing is, I realize that we all grow up and our lives change and our priorities change but it doesn’t mean I have to like to or agree with it.
I can’t put this in a nut shell so I will just ramble on about this for a while.

It seems that every time my friends get married, they have less time to spend with me and/or they would like to do stuff but out of fear of their wives they won’t. Or maybe they just don’t want to go through the hassle of asking permission and getting shot down or made to feel guilty for wanting to spend some time with anyone but their significant other. I know as Im writing this that I too may be influenced by marriage as well but somehow I think I have more freedom, maybe b/c I don’t allow myself to be dominated or maybe my wife is just that cool.

In anycase, so here I am free for 4 days and I know that I probably just can’t call one of my buddies and say “hey you want to go to happy hour for a few beers or go see a movie and maybe to a bar and listen to a band”, because I already know the answers that will follow, “ahh I would love to but I have so much to do around the house”, or “ahh yeah let me see if I can make it, I will call you if I can”, or “I would love to but I have to help my wife do laundry tonight” or “I can’t, money is kinda tight, we are trying to save up”. Tiger Chick, this of course doesn’t apply to you since you guys don’t live near us, but it might if you guys did.
There is one exception to this scenario and that is if you have a kid (which one of my friends does). In this case I will just have to understand the fact that your kid is more important than anything else and leaving to go ourt with your buddies while your wife stays at home and takes care of the baby might create some static in the future.

I also understand that some of my friends simply prefer to spend all their free time with their wives and to that I say “shame on you”, how can you give up a fun night out with me for night at home spent rubbing the same back and feet, and saying stuff like “I love you, yes I do, do you love me, how much, come on show me, that’s all, I love you five times more than that, did you love your old boyfriend as much as me, what! You dirty bitch, I knew you didn’t love me, why am I with you…No you started it, I didn’t start shit, fine leave, fuck you, I don’t care, that’s why your momma’s a bitch”, and the whole time your thinking “damn, I could be out with Koskesh right now looking at some titties in my face”.

So now for my second beef, Church.
I have found a pattern to most of my friends and their wives and probably most people I went to college with:

Stage 1. From time born to about 16 years old- not very religious but still go to church b/c parents make them.

Stage 2. 17 to 24 years old- In college and don’t give a fuck Drink, fuck, suck, swallow and its no big deal. God? God who? Ohhhh Goddamn this weed is the bomb.

Stage 3. 24 years old to present time as I know it- “Ok I’m religious now, I love God and all he does for me, and I will make sure Im at church every Sunday and bible study on Wed and I will make my husband and/or wife go with me because that’s just the right thing to do”.
These same people were doing all kinds of shit while in school, but now they have a one way ticket to heaven b/c they go to church on Sundays and they can do no wrong.
I know Im not perfect but at least Im consistent. For the most part Im the same person that I was when my friends met me in 1994, 1999,2003 or whenever it was. I don’t claim to be perfect but Im so close that you can’t tell the difference :) JK
And along with church comes, church groups, church outings, small groups, church trips, so now I have to decide if its worth joining one of these groups just to see my friends more often. Again I would have less of a problem with this if both people in the relationship were into it and wanted to go, but for the most part this isn’t the case, and one of them is being forced to go and participate. It may look mutual but its not, trust me, I can spot bad acting a mile away.
Again for the record this doesn’t concern you (tiger chick) or your husband since you guys don’t live here and we don’t see each other enough for me to see how you guys influence each other, but rest assure I would have spoke my mind and pointed things out if I felt they needed to be.


So that’s my two cents for the day.

Our trip to Iran

Given the recent attention that Iran has been getting, I decided to make a list of PROS and CONS regarding our trip later this year. Here is what I came up with........

CONS
1)I am the first to admit that at times I can be a drama queen and when I have a bad day, I do believe the earth will stop on its axis. HOWEVER, I have never thought, "I just need to get nuked." As bad as life seems, getting in the middle of nuclear incident has never seemed an appropriate response.
2)Kidnappings.....what is Iran's policy on that? Do they use it as a negotiation tool? Not that anyone would want me, as a matter of fact, I feel that if someone did kidnap me, they would promptly return me. But on the off chance that I were to get kidnapped, I don't really feel secure in the fact that our government would do everything possible to get me back safe and sound. You know, there is a rumor going around that the US govn't WANTED to go to war in Iraq and was LOOKING for reasons to go to war. Well, if that is the case, then getting me home safely is NOT a reason to go to war. However, if I were to die.......well, you can draw your own conclusions.
And I am all about my 15 minutes of fame. I would like to be alive to enjoy it, I do not want it posthumously. It kind of defeats the point, don't you think?
3)Killer sunburn. I will be allowed to wear sunscreen, right? You KNOW how sensitive I am to the sun.
4)The plane ride. I REFUSE to sit next to kids on that flight. I insist on business class. And to sit by you. I am not taking my chances on a flight that lasts for 4 days. I learned my lesson in that respect in Sept, 2001 when I had to sit next to.....well, I will spare you the details. All you need to know, is that you are stuck with me.
PROS
1)The food is good. I really enjoyed it. I am craving more. Also, I liked the belly dancer. Maybe I could learn while I was over there. Oh, wait, I can't show my face, never mind my belly. That could be a good thing. They might use my belly as an example of why they have these "laws" in place to begin with.
2) Imagine how much you and I would have to talk about after the trip. Perhaps I could even learn a little Farsi while I was over there. SEEB. See, I am already well on my way.
3)We could have our picture taken with a Tiger Rag next to a nuclear warhead. Bet that's never been in the Orange and White.
4)Maybe I will take big bags of candy and just throw it around like I am in a parade everywhere I go....perhaps that could keep me from getting kidnapped. You know, you can never be mad at anyone who just gave you DOTS.
Am I leaving anything out?

24 is my crack

If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you a green dress
(But not a real green dress, that's cruel)

I guess its taken me a couple of days to get back to this blog. I have had a busy couple of nights with the premier of 24. Can’t believe they killed off two good characters in the first 5 min.

Great game by the Steelers this weekend, I was pulling for them.
Panthers held their own too. It should be an interesting race to the super bowl.

I figured you might come around to the toe thing after you thought about it a little more.

Why are you volunteering for domestic violence? I didn’t know this was an interest of yours. God, just when you think you know someone and they go and pull this crap on you.

Are you saving up any gambling money for Vegas? You better be. Lets start by bringing our lunch 2 days out of the week to work ( you may already be doing this and more but this is more for my benefit). This would save me about $16 a week (average lunch outing is about $8). So 16 X 4 weeks is $64. Hey it’s a start.
We also have a piggy bank that we (and by we I mean 80% me and 20% Jackie) have been putting our change into, and I don’t mean just pennies, there are quarters, dimes and nickels in there too. If I had to guess I would say there is probably $60 in there. Do you see how this is all starting to fall into place? I also have some stuff that I don’t use anymore so I might try to sell them on ebay.


My two favorite songs at this moment (subject to change by the end of the week)

“Look what you’ve done” by Jet
“Your beautiful” by James Blunt

Green Dress

So it's Friday the 13th. I haven't had any REALLY bad luck....yet. But the day is only half over. As a matter of fact, I have had some good luck. I found a fab green dress on super sale. Now isn't green supposed to be lucky? Clover is green, green m&m's are allegedly lucky, the Green Rooster ( in the Chinese zodiac) is supposed to bring luck. Maybe this dress will bring us luck in Vegas. I could use a little good luck these days.

So peach cosmos........good stuff. As you heard the other night, I think I would be better at this after a couple of peach cosmos. AND, don't get me wrong, I love our little blog that we have goin' on here, but I definitely think we lose something over the internet.

Some other random thoughts for you:

Urban Turban huh? So you're the Urban part and David's the Turban. Where does that leave me? I know you are not trying to leave me out of this little venture. I wanna get some ass too! ( Which is why anybody is in a band to begin with......) I can contribute.....something. I am sure we can think of something that I can bring to the table other than gin and tonics.

Indianapolis......what do you think of it?

So I called a domestic violence women's group to volunteer for it and the woman I talk to sounds like a man.....what's up with that?

I have begun to rethink the whole toe issue.

24 starts on Sunday....do you watch?

band name

I've thought of a new band name, tell me what you think:

Urbin Turban

I think its catchy.

As far as Vegas goes Im sure we will be bringing a camera but Im not sure about the guitar. You know with all there is to do I just don't see us having much time playing guitar, I know your dying to help me finish the deuteronomy song.

I realize that meat and three's have not made the Vegas diet yet, but Im lobbying this as we speak.
So did you hear Vince Young is going pro.
And Marcus Vick is kicked off the VT football team.

So no toe for $175,000. I guess you just don't realize what that could buy US.
I guess I never thought toes were cute so if a girl is missing one, it won't change the way I look at her. I guess when Im checking a girl out, most of the time I don't even make it down to the toe. I guess you could say Im a torso kind of guy.

Just for the record, I would give up my small toe for alot less than that.

Dust Bunnies

No, you don't get to "choose" your maids, but what a great idea! It could be like the "Hooters" of maid service....and they could wear those cute little french maid outfits. We will call it Dust Bunnies. Whaddya think? Now don't expect to get too many "households" to sign up for this as we will probably service the single male pop. And NO, no happy endings. Sorry, we don't want to get shut down.

HMMMMMMMMM, I think that I would have to pass on the whole toe thing as I am into shoes and how my feet look in them (still upset about 3 scars I have from the BC game). But I think that is a great idea for you. And you should split the money with me as no one could supply the moral support you would need like me. :-)

Yes, 33 days left on the Vegas diet. How are you doing? Meat and three's are not on the Vegas diet, you do realize that don't you? Are you bringing a camera? A guitar? I think you will be impressed with my song writing ability. Here's a sample " Move bitch. Get out the way." Original huh?

My other New Year's Resolution: Do something with my life. Now, what should I do?

I'm calling you tomorrow night. Be available.

Maid for hire.

Im impressed with the maid service order. Funny you should bring this up b/c my wife just mentioned the other day how we need to hire one to come twice a month and help out with the cleaning. Im not opposed to idea by any mean but there are a few concerns that I have:

How much does each visit cost? (I guess it depends on what you want done)
Can we pick from a list of available maids? (I would rather have a good looking maid fold my underwear than an ugly one)
Is happy ending an option?

When I get these answers, we will look more seriously at ordering one as well.

Had meat and three today, it wasn’t bad but I getting sick of it since I have it like 4 days a week. I will cut back in an effort to spice it up again.

I was very impressed with Vince Young and the Texas Team as a whole, but USC could have won that game if the weren’t so cocky.

Have to agree with the ice cream statement.
I don’t get the 21 comment, but maybe it has something to do with black jack and Vegas

I don’t think its possible to be a heroin addict and still be smokin hot. Heroin makes you eyes and cheeks get sucked into your face and gives you that crack whore effect. With that said, if your able to look smoking hot and smoke a little heroin every now and then, that’s ok in my book. Just don’t do it while cleaning my house or folding my underwear.

We officially have 36 days left on the Vegas diet.

Would you allow your small toe (on either foot that you choose) to be surgically removed (meaning they put you to sleep and you don’t feel any pain) for $175,000 cash?

True happiness!

So I just ordered myself some maid service today! I am so happy about it! This kind of happiness, as I explained to my hubby, rivals mac-n-cheese happiness. (You know how happy mac-n-cheese or any food for that matter makes me!) Life is good!

Yes, I have found true happiness and one of it's color is green (we went with Merry Maids). AHHHHH. This makes this crappy weather a little more bearable......

1) Vince Young is a RIDICULOUSLY good player.

2) Cold weather sucks. Must live somewhere warm, sometime in the near future.

3) Even in cold weather, ice cream is good.

4) 21! I'll take it.

5) A meat and three would hit the spot right about now. Talk to me Koskesh.

6) Is it ok to be a heroine addict if you are a smokin' hot supermodel?